International Bible Teaching Ministries
Other Marital Questions
Question 1: Is it lawful for a man to put away his first wife for every cause and marry a second?
ANSWER: No! Please read carefully Matthew 19:3-9!
Question 2: What is Paul saying in Hebrews 13:4? When is marriage honorable and the bed undefiled?
ANSWER: Paul is simply stating that marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled in the case of all men everywhere! Sexual activity outside the bond of marriage is dishonorable in the case of all men everywhere!
Marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled when one man and one women have been joined together by God (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6), i.e., when two are married in accordance with the will of God. All other marriages are sinful and dishonorable!
Question 3: If you kiss someone other than your own husband or wife, is it a sin?
ANSWER: Some kisses may be sinful. Others may not. In some countries kisses are a form of greeting or bidding another farewell! These are not motivated by unlawful desires and would not be sinful. This was the case in New Testament times. For example: Paul in Romans 16:16 said, "Salute one another with an holy kiss." Other kisses may be motivated by unlawful desires or engaged in to promote such. This type of kiss would be in violation of Colossians 3:5 (uncleanness, inordinate affection, and evil desires) and would, therefore, be sinful. The faithful child of God will avoid such and set his or her affections on things above (Colossians 3:2).
Question 4: How can there be more harmony and happiness in the home?
ANSWER: Many things have been said on this subject. In fact, volumes have been written, and still many questions appear unanswered. When all has been written, all the seminars held, and all the speeches made on this subject, only one answer will remain. Simply put, harmony and happiness in the home can and will only come when Christian families, having the same spiritual dreams and aspirations, learn to love each other as God has commanded. There is no other way! The love that God commands husband and wife to have for each other is discussed in Ephesians 5:22-31. The Greek word here for love is “agape.” It means that when we love in this way, we will put the object of our affections before ourselves in everything. This is to say, as husbands, we will put the wants, needs, and desires of our wives before our own. As wives, we will put the wants, needs, and desires of our husbands before our own. Any other system or approach will not do! Without doubt, one of the greatest reasons that God commanded us to love in this way is because of the resultant blessing of harmony and happiness in the home. God's way works!
Question 5: Since most of God's Kings in the Old Testament engaged in polygamy, why is it forbidden today?
ANSWER: From the beginning it was God's law that there be one man and wife, and that the two would become one flesh (Genesis 2:22-25; Matthew 19:3-9)! These two would be bound only to each other until separated by death (Romans 7:1-3). There is no room in the God ordained marriage for more than two people! During the Old Testament dispensation, God suffered (permitted) temporary changes to His original plan, because of the hardness of the hearts of the Jews. Because of this, Moses suffered them to put away their wives (Matthew 19:8). Jesus tells those of us under the New Testament dispensation that "from the beginning it was not so" (Matthew 19:8). In Verse nine, Jesus says, "But I say unto you, whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Jesus effectively tells people under the New Testament that we are not permitted to adopt the marriage practices of those who lived previously, but rather we are to go back to God's original plan from the very beginning, that is, one man, one woman, for life!
Question 6: A man was never married, but lived with two different women at different times, both of whom were eventually put away. He was married to a third who bore him two children, but who left him, because he could not pay the bride price. He later apologized and she desires to go back with him. A) Is she in her right marital home? B) Must they be joined, since both are unbelievers? C) Is one of the first two women his rightful wife?
ANSWER: A) If the man was not legally and scripturally married to either of the first two women, he was living in an adulterous situation. It goes without saying that both he and the two women need to repent of this sin! If the third woman was not previously married or if she were previously married, but divorced because her husband committed fornication (Matthew 5:32), she may scripturally return to the man in question, if he had not married anytime previously. If he had been married previously, the only way he could marry would be if that wife had committed fornication. It would appear from your letter that no matter what the case may be, extreme caution needs to be exercised by both individuals! Sexual relations are only to be engaged in by a couple (husband and wife) who have been legally and scripturally joined. All sexual relations outside the marriage relationship are sinful. Those who engage in such will not inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21). B) All people everywhere (believers and unbelievers) are answerable to the New Testament by which all men will be judged (II Corinthians 5:10; John 12:48). None may live together as husband and wife without legal and scriptural marriage! All who attempt to do so commit fornication/adultery. C) Not being legally and scripturally married to either of the first two women, neither would be his lawful wife.
Question 7: I have committed adultery. Do I have to go to the husband of the wife with whom I committed adultery to say, "forgive me?" Or should I only pray for forgiveness?
ANSWER: Without doubt, both parties in this adulterous relationship need to repent and confess. The confession of this or any other sin needs to be as public or publicized as was the sin. If known to one, confess to one. If known to few, confess to few. If known publicly, confess publicly. It serves no purpose to publicize sin where it is not known (James 5:16; I John 1:7-8)!
Question 8: If one cannot live with his wife, can he still worship? No adultery or sin was committed on the part of the wife.
ANSWER: I take the phrase "cannot live with his wife" to mean that the husband does not want to live with his wife and has put her away without scriptural grounds, i.e., for the cause of fornication (Matthew 5:32). It is also assumed that the marriage is scriptural. If this be the case, then the man has sinned and needs to repent by being sorry for his sin and making proper restitution by returning to his wife (See Malachi 2:15-16). Christ has made it very clear that man is not to put asunder what God hath joined together (Matthew 19:6). To do so is to sin! Matthew 19:9 is violated as well! Until proper repentance and restitution is made, the sin will not and cannot be forgiven (Luke 17:3). One who persists in such rebellion cannot worship God acceptably (Matthew 5:23-24)!
In order for a marriage to thrive there must be a concerted effort on the part of both husband and wife to collectively put God first in all things, following which they need to learn to put the other before their own likes and dislikes. Then, and only then, will a marriage be right and acceptable in the eyes of our Father!
Question 9: If a Christian sister is the second wife to a certain man and the first wife dies, what is the stand of the Christian sister?
ANSWER: Polygamy is sin! God has ordained that marriage is between only two people, one man and one woman, until separated by death (Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 7:1-3). When a man and a woman are scripturally married and another person enters that relationship, all of those actively involved do so without the blessing of God. Further, all that knowingly participate in such a marriage are in sin as long as it continues. The above passages demand that all additional parties be excluded from the relationship, and that all who have participated come to repentance. Without obedient repentance (Luke 13:3; Acts 17:30), none can be saved or added to the Lord's church (Acts 2:38; Acts 2:47). All who participate in any polygamous relationship are guilty of adultery! It does not follow then, because a first wife dies, that the second marriage becomes acceptable to God. The relationship between the second wife and the man remains adulterous, because God did not join them together in marriage as polygamists in the first place! If the second women became involved in the adulterous relationship after she became a Christian, she needs to repent (sever/cut-off/get out) of the relationship and pray God, if perhaps the thought of her heart may be forgiven (Acts 8:22). If she was baptized after becoming involved as the "second wife," while remaining impenitent in the relationship, the baptism was invalid. She would have to, if this were the case, repent of all past sins, including the present relationship (Luke 13:3), confess Christ (Romans 10:9-10), and then be scripturally immersed (Acts 2:38). After having been obedient to God's Word in whatever way is demanded she would then be free to scripturally marry. Extreme care, however, should be taken to assure that similar adulterous situations would not develop in the future. The man involved also needs to repent of polygamy and adultery, with no intent of ever being involved in such again. He too, then, would be free to marry!
Question 10: If a man and woman are married for many years and the wife does many things to hurt and kill the husband, is he free to divorce her or must they continue to live together until separated by death?
ANSWER: There is only one scriptural reason for divorce, i.e., "for the cause of fornication" (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:3-9). Certainly then, without this scriptural reason, there can be no divorce. This does not mean, however, that God expects one to live in a life-threatening situation. Anyone whose life is in danger has a scriptural right to appeal to law for "protection" (Romans 13:1-6). In some cases "protection" may possibly necessitate separate living arrangements until the danger has passed. Nevertheless, such a necessity in no way constitutes a divorce; neither does it relieve either of the parties of their responsibilities to the other, and certainly it does not justify unscriptural relationships outside the marriage.
Question 11: Some argue that since a person can confess, be baptized and receive a baptismal certificate (which shows one is married to Christ), that they can, likewise, confess sexual sin publicly and receive a marriage certificate that will sanctify their relationship. Is this true?
ANSWER: No! This is not true. The comparison in the question is neither accurate nor complete! A baptismal certificate is nothing but a piece of paper that witnesses to the fact of one's baptism. A marriage certificate is nothing but a piece of paper that witnesses to the fact of a legal marriage (not necessarily scriptural) between a man and a woman. The baptismal certificate does not sanctify the sinner, nor does the marriage certificate sanctify the marriage. Before one is married to Christ at baptism, he must first repent of his sins. This means he must, in godly sorrow, turn away from those sins; he must get out of them; he must leave them behind! This includes sexual sin! A marriage certificate cannot be granted with the approval of God, or His church, to any persons who continue in adulterous marriages / relationships. Solely confessing a sexual sin does not sanctify it! Just as surely, a certificate does not sanctify it! The only way for a Christian to get rid of his sin is not only to admit he has sinned, but to, as well, scripturally repent (stop doing it) and pray God (Acts 8:22). A thousand admissions of sin; a thousand certificates would do nothing to set aside an unscriptural marriage / relationship!
In considering the many issues of marriage, divorce, and remarriage that are plaguing the Lord's church today, it is well to remember that God has ordained that there be one husband and one wife for life; that marriage can only be terminated by death (Romans 7:1-3) or in the case, and for the cause, of fornication. The innocent party (the one who has remained pure and not contributed in anyway to their mate's sin) may (with God's approval) divorce and marry another. However, the innocent party may choose to be forgiving (upon their mate's repentance) and continue in the marriage with God's approval.
Know for sure that what God has joined together man cannot scripturally put asunder (Matthew 19:6)! Though man may try to dissolve marriages for reasons other than death or fornication; though man may announce that a divorce for other reasons is granted; though husband and wife may agree to a divorce for other reasons, the marriage remains intact before God, because man can never scripturally separate that which God has joined together!
Just as sure is the fact that man cannot scripturally join together what God does not join together! Any joining together of man and woman, in which God is not a participant, results in an adulterous, sinful relationship! When Christians look the other way and refuse to deal with these relationships according to the will of God, they become partakers of their evil deeds (II John 9)!
Question 12: I have a habit of committing fornication, and although I know it is wrong, I can't seem to stop. What can I do?
ANSWER: "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife" (I Corinthians 7:2). Please also read I Corinthians 6:15-20; Colossians 3:1-6; Philippians 4:8.
Question 13: If one has devoted his life to Christ, and is living in the spirit, and not the flesh, is he wrong if he doesn't marry? Is it wrong for him to serve as an elder? Why?
ANSWER: One does not have to marry in order to be a faithful Christian. It is clear that Paul was not married and that some of the apostles were. Apparently, the Lord's brothers were also married (I Corinthians 9:5). In I Corinthians 7:8, Paul was speaking about a time when great distress (Vs.26) was being placed upon Christians. He wrote, "I say therefore to the unmarried and the widows, it is good for them (during this period) to remain even as I (unmarried). But if they cannot contain (control their desires) let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." The matter of one marrying or not marrying then is a matter of personal opinion with careful consideration toward one's ability to do so without experiencing unlawful desires which could lead to fornication. That one is not commanded to marry or remain single is clear from this particular chapter. However, it is also clear from Scripture that none may impose their opinion on another, that is, none are permitted to command another to marry or remain single (I Timothy 4:1-5). Those who do so have departed from the faith!
A man cannot become an elder who is not scripturally married, however. In the list of qualifications given by God (I Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:6-9) an elder must be the husband of one wife! These passages forever exclude the single man from becoming an elder! It is worthy of note that in the qualifications given for deacons in I Timothy 3:8-13, they, too, must be married!
Question 14: In addition to the exception of Matthew 19:9, does the apostle Paul in I Corinthians 7:15 allow a second exception in I Corinthians 7:15-16?
ANSWER: "But I say unto you, whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery" (Matthew 19:9). The word fornication means any kind of unlawful sexual activity! The phrase, “except it be for fornication” demands the following understanding: “If and only if” fornication has been committed by the one being put away, then the other party, being totally innocent in the matter, “may” scripturally marry another who is also scripturally marriageable.
I Corinthians 7:15-16 does “not” provide or allow the privilege of a second exception! That is to say that Paul does not here overrule the single exception cited by Jesus in Matthew 19:9 by adding a second exception. The word “bondage” in the phrase “not under bondage” in Verse fifteen does not refer to the marriage bond. The Greek word used by Paul for “bondage” here is “douloo” which is a word, in context, indicating “one in slavery.” Elsewhere when Paul refers to the marriage bond, which he does three times (I Corinthians 7:27, 39, and Romans 7:2) he always employs the word “deo.” Had he meant the marriage bond in Verse fifteen, it follows that he would have likewise used the word “deo” here. He didn’t!
Paul, in the subject passage, is saying this: ‘If the unbeliever no longer desires to live with the one who has been converted to Christ (the Christian), he or she (the Christian) is under no obligation or commandment, as would be the case with a slave, to maintain, or to keep, the home atmosphere, neither must they insist (under any condition) that the non-Christian not depart.” In fact, the Christian, Paul says, has been called to peace by God. In other words, if an unbeliever insists on leaving, the Christian is not to make a fight of it, but is to allow the unbeliever to depart in peace!
Therefore, when Paul says in Verse fifteen that the Christian is “not under bondage in such cases,” he is simply stating that a Christian is not obligated/commanded to make sure that the unbeliever does not depart in order to maintain the home atmosphere, i.e., he or she is not “bound” to continue with the unbeliever. He is “not” saying (and this is important) that the Christian and the unbeliever are free from the marriage bond and that they are now allowed to marry another. Such teaching would be false and contrary to the teaching of Christ who said clearly (Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9) that there is only one (1) reason for divorce and remarriage and that being “for the cause of fornication.”
When an unbeliever departs and the believer (Christian) peacefully allows the unbeliever to depart, they still remain married for life, even unto death (Romans 7:1-3), unless one of the parties commits fornication. The innocent party, even under this condition (fornication), “may’ scripturally divorce and remarry, but is not under commandment to do so!
Question 15: Must a man wed his chosen in the church building?
ANSWER: No! No matter the location, when a man and a woman who are scripturally free to marry purpose and promise wholeheartedly to unite as husband and wife, with satisfaction of all governing legalities under which they live, they then become married.
Question 16: I always lovingly consider my wife’s opinion before making a decision. However, a situation regarding a trade show has arisen in which my wife has taken the position if her opinion is not adopted to avoid the show that she will leave me. I truly believe her opinion (which I often adopt) is wrong and will be harmful to the family. What should I do?
ANSWER: There is little doubt as to what the Bible says about the relationship of husband and wife. In a nutshell, the wife is to be in subjection to her husband who is her head (Ephesians 5:22-23; I Corinthians 11:3). This subjection is to parallel the subjection of the body of Christ to her Head. As well, the love that a man has for his wife is to parallel the love that Christ has for the church. Both are necessary for a healthy relationship. A relationship is not healthy if one or the other is absent. In fact, if one or the other is absent there is an unhealthy relationship between that couple and God, because one or both is/are in violation of the aforementioned scriptures. If a woman adopts the position that her husband “must” do it her way, under the threat of penalty, she is in direct violation of these (and other) passages. In so doing she transgresses God’s laws governing relationships between husband and wife and, therefore, sins (I John 3:4). Thus, her relationship with God is destroyed! She, in that sin, is separated from God (Isaiah 59:1-2).
There is another side to the coin! If a man allows the wife to usurp the headship and authority that God has given to him, he sins as well by not being obedient to the above passages. In other words, a wife sins by not being in subjection to her husband and a husband sins by not acting with the authority (as the head of the woman) that God has given him! It is clear then that if a husband would be obedient to God, rather than his wife, he would and ought to function as the head! This, of course, would never mean dictatorial action, but after loving and careful consideration of the wife’s opinion, the final decision in all matters relating to the family falls to the God-given responsibility and rule of the husband (The man is to rule his house – I Timothy 3:4). A woman is bound by any decision so made, provided that the consequence does not cause her to violate God’s Law in any way!
It seems, then, that a decision must be made as follows: Do I obey God? Or do I obey my wife? I would encourage you to opt for God! In so doing you would show your love for God “and” for your wife who, according to what you have written, is in sin before Him! The relationship that now exists between you and your wife must change if you would have a proper relationship with God. It is up to you, as head of the house, to initiate and perpetuate such a relationship!
There is little to be gained from the results of a trade show as compared to the gains that can be realized by the development of scriptural relationships between husband and wife and God! Here your focus and heart must lie! The trade show must be secondary!
Question 17: Is sex to be engaged in, as the animals, only for reproductive purposes?
ANSWER: Sexual relations between a male and a female who are married to each other is not solely for reproduction purposes. For example, it is also necessary for the avoidance of fornication (I Corinthians 7:1-5). If sexual relations were only for reproductive purposes, then it would be sinful to have sexual relations in which one of the partners was made to be barren through physical maladies, including older age beyond the time of fertility and productivity! Such would then expose both parties to the likelihood of fornication. This likelihood, according to Paul's instructions, is to be avoided through normal, necessary, and continuing sexual relations, but only between a husband and a wife (Verse two)!
Question 18: Is a woman considered to be a divorced woman if she had a child before she was legally married?
ANSWER: No! A legal and scriptural marriage is one in which a man and a woman (1) agree to marry, (2) are joined together by God on the basis of their promises of faithfulness to one another, and (3) have satisfied fully all of the legal requirements of the country, state, and/or province in which they live. None of these three are present in the situation you describe. Such a person is not, therefore, married in any sense of the term. The action that caused the birth of a child out of wedlock is accurately described as “fornication,” a sinful act that cries for repentance because those who remain guilty of such activity cannot inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21). Forgiveness by God will be granted only upon one’s compliance with His Word (I Corinthians 6:9-11).
It should also be understood that both the man and the woman who produced the child through fornication are scripturally responsible for the child’s welfare. Paul, by inspiration, says that ‘if a man does not provide for his own he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel’ (I Timothy 5:8)!
Question 19: What can be done with those who are in the church with unscriptural marriages?
ANSWER: In order for one to be truly added by the Lord to His church, they must repent of "all" sins by being filled with godly sorry (II Corinthians 7:10) coupled with secession of those sins, i.e., they cannot continue to live in their sin. Otherwise, repentance, which is vital to salvation, has not taken place. Without biblical repentance, immersion in water is not acceptable as biblical baptism, which is necessary "for the remission of sins" and entry into the Lord's church (Acts 2:38-47). Nonetheless, some are often times unscripturally immersed and placed on congregational registers after which it is discovered that they are in adulterous relationships. It appears that this is the case of which you inquire. To continue to recognize these as "members" of the Lord's church is to permit the teaching of false doctrine through the example they portray which clearly violates II John 9-11. Further, their adulterous relationships are works of darkness with which we can have no fellowship (Ephesians 5:11). Therefore, any such fellowship, though it may have been initiated in ignorance, must be discontinued after attempting to cause the guilty ones to truly repent and to be scripturally baptized. This failing, there is little choice in the matter, but to adopt and practice the teaching and principles set forth in I Corinthians 5:1-13.
Question 20: Could you please differentiate between Matthew 19:5-6 and I Corinthians 6:16?
ANSWER: Yes! The difference is that the “joining” in Matthew 19:5-6 is an action of God, while the “joined” in I Corinthians 6:16 is an action of man that is not approved by God, and described in Verse 18 as the sin of fornication.
Question 21: What is it that God joins together in marriage (Matthew 19:6)? When I couple this verse together with I Corinthians 7:36-38 that says if a man sleeps with a virgin he does good if he marries her, I then understand that the reference in Matthew 19:6 is to the virginity of the woman and that man cannot pay back the lost virginity.
ANSWER: First of all, your suggestion that I Corinthians 7:36-38 teaches that a man may properly and scripturally have sexual relations with a virgin without sin, provided that he afterwards marries her, is an improper interpretation. The masculine words in these verses (man, his, him) refer to the “father” of a virgin daughter, not a fornicator! Paul is saying that because of the present distress (Verse 26) and the coming persecutions it would be better if the “father” did not give his virgin daughter in marriage, but, nonetheless, the option remained with him. The word “he” in Verse 38 is the same “he” as in Verse 36: “So then he (the father) that giveth “her” (the virgin daughter) in marriage doeth well; but he (the father) that giveth her (the virgin daughter) not in marriage doeth better.”
Sexual relations outside of marriage (no matter the circumstance) is fornication and will cause the soul to be lost! Your interpretation of the passage is in error for many reasons, not the least of which is that it implies that God approves of the sin of fornication!
In the context of Matthew 19, clearly, the joining together by God is that of the man and the woman as husband and wife, thereby making of the two into one flesh, that is to say that they both, as one, shall be animated by one soul and one desire. The Bible here is not speaking of the joining together in the sex act, as you seem to suggest in your letter. This is even more evidenced by the fact that, according to Verse six, man is not to put asunder that which God hath joined together. The Bible here is obviously not referring to one’s virginity and certainly is not saying that other persons are not to effect a dissolution of the sex act! Reference is to breaking apart the marriage union, thereby causing dissolution of the marriage, wherein two had been joined together with God’s approval.
Question 22: After reading I Timothy 5:3-16, I have the following question: If the husband of a young woman dies and leaves her with three children, may she leave the three children and marry another man, while leaving her children in the care of her brother?
ANSWER: Since death absolved the marriage (Romans 7:1-3), she would be free to marry another who is also scripturally free to marry. However, she may not scripturally leave and/or forsake her children, even though the African custom is to transfer the responsibility of the children’s care from the dead man to his brother. It is, of course, good for a living brother to accept the responsibility of caring for his dead brother’s children, but the Bible does not in such cases erase the responsibilities of the mother to her own! Men and women are to, indeed, provide for their own (Verse 8) and engage in good works, one of which is bringing up children (Verse 10). The younger widow discussed in this passage is to marry, bear children, and guide the house, which involves rearing the children (Verse 14). The passage does not imply that she may leave her first children in order to marry again to make way for a second set of children. If children come from the second marriage, they should be added to the children of the first marriage that would constitute the house she is to “guide.” The living brother may under this condition fulfill his customary obligation of contributing to the support of his nephews and nieces. However, children are not to be discarded as livestock, and mothers are not relieved of their responsibility in raising the children they bore for any reason, including entry into second marriages!